I am thinking about closing down all my social media accounts (DailyMile, Facebook, and Twitter) because I can’t take seeing all the posts about running and working out anymore. When ¾ of my friends on both Twitter and Facebook (all friends on DM are runners of course) are all runners it makes my life sitting by the sidelines that much more miserable seeing them all comment and post about their workouts and races.
I just have to say how infuriating it is to get a text, email or private message asking for running advice or info about a race from people WHO KNOW I’M NOT CURRENLTY RUNNING. Why the hell would you ask me about something running related when you know I can currently physically run never mind the fact that I’m depressed because I can’t do it? WTF people!?! Use some common sense! I’m begging you; please do not talk to me about running anymore. I can’t take it.
I’m pretty sure if I’m told one more time that “you’ll get through this” or “things will turn around for you soon” or “that sucks” one more time, I’m going to be locked up for strangling someone. So if you know me in real life, please be warned, do yourself a favor and think before you say any of this stuff. I’ve heard it for the last 10 months and it hasn’t helped yet. Hearing even more of it doesn’t help, it makes things worse.
The amount of medications that I am on is downright scary and what they do to me is even scarier. But I can’t be without them, I tried. The anxiety, the depression, and the headaches are all too much to try and deal with without them.
I won’t even start in on the memory loss or my lack of being able to multi-task/plan anymore. It’s sad what’s happened to me. I used to be able to remember everything and now I’m lucky if I can remember what happened only moments ago. Everything is a struggle to do. I can’t multi-task anymore as I now have a very short attention span. I can’t even begin to explain on infuriating all this is.
I’ve been told to “persevere” in therapy. Persevere? I’m beyond angry right now at everything and I’m supposed to persevere? I've had a banging headache for the last week and I'm supposed to persevere? All I want is my life the way it was 10 months ago before that drunk driver hit me. How am I supposed to “persevere” when I have no indication as to when I may be able to run again or when these headaches may stop?
I think it’s pretty shitty that nothing will happen to the drunk driver as the douche bag cop that handled the accident that horrible day let him go. Nothing will happen to him. Nothing! He gets to continue living his life injury free as if nothing happened after hitting me with his car after drinking all morning. Yea, that seems pretty fair. I know life isn’t supposed to be fair but WTF? My life has been turned upside down and I have to suffer because of this dirt bag’s actions? He likes to drink at 7 in the morning and drive drunk at noon so I suffer? Got it.
I would also have to say one of the most upsetting parts of this whole experience would be the lack of understanding from friends and family. You would think that other runners would have some slight understanding that being out of the game for this long would be completely devistating. Yea, not so much. I get "that sucks" and they move on. Really? Is that how you show compassion for a "friend"? Wow. I will say, I've learned a lot about friends and friendships since this accident as well. I suppose I have my expectations set high when it comes to friends but then again, I think I should. Who wants shitty friends? I thought friends checked on one another in times like this? No? Not so much. There are a few close friends that have and some new friends that have become great friends by showing just how much they do care. Then there are those friends that call you out of the blue, you know when they need something, and are are "surprised" to hear I'm not doing any better since the last time we talked. Really? You are surprised? Well that's because you don't pick up the phone and don't ask. Nor did anyone take my accident seriously. Just because I didn't have any broken bones and didn't have any blood spilled doesn't make my accident any less serious people. This is my brain we are talking about. I don't think it gets anymore serious than that!
I've been told to not even think about races or running really until the end of the year!! Really? Another year lost? When I heard this news I was crushed. I'm at a complete and total loss.
On top of not working out and running, I am now packing on the weight. WTF!!!!!!!!! I know this is partially my fault because I continue to eat the way I did when ran. But being depressed doesn’t help. I don’t have one candy bar, I have several. I don’t have one Laffy Taffy, I have several. It’s out of control. I’m watching myself slip away. It was only 10 months ago I was in the best shape of my life and I PR’d at the marathon by 40+ minutes. Hard to believe right? My life has become a nightmare.
I know it all seems a bit dramatic as I wasn’t killed in the accident and I still have all my limbs but what the damage that was done was severe. It’s crazy how easy we take walking for granted never mind running or biking or working out. It kills me everyday a little more when I see a runner outside running on the roads while I’m in the car. I so badly want to shake them and say “Do you know how lucky you are?” but I can’t because then I would really seem like a crazy lady.
I guess what I am saying is if you are a runner and are able to run be grateful for it. Be a fast or a slow runner, be grateful. There is a chance I may never return to running. There’s a chance these horrible headaches may never go away.
I just don't know when there is no clear "end" to hope for how I can be anything LESS THAN miserable