Friday, January 27, 2012

Cycle of Anger

I don’t even know where to start. I’m not writing this post as an update but as a sort of release as nothing else these days seems to be helping me.  I wrote a post several months ago trying to explain my depression and my feelings about the accident.   It has been over 10 months since the accident and I am still suffering. I still suffer from headaches, depression, anxiety, memory loss, mood swings, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, physical limitations and more.

I am thinking about closing down all my social media accounts (DailyMile, Facebook, and Twitter) because I can’t take seeing all the posts about running and working out anymore. When ¾ of my friends on both Twitter and Facebook (all friends on DM are runners of course) are all runners it makes my life sitting by the sidelines that much more miserable seeing them all comment and post about their workouts and races.

I just have to say how infuriating it is to get a text, email or private message asking for running advice or info about a race from people WHO KNOW I’M NOT CURRENLTY RUNNING. Why the hell would you ask me about something running related when you know I can currently physically run never mind the fact that I’m depressed because I can’t do it? WTF people!?! Use some common sense! I’m begging you; please do not talk to me about running anymore. I can’t take it.

I’m pretty sure if I’m told one more time that “you’ll get through this” or “things will turn around for you soon” or “that sucks” one more time, I’m going to be locked up for strangling someone. So if you know me in real life, please be warned, do yourself a favor and think before you say any of this stuff. I’ve heard it for the last 10 months and it hasn’t helped yet. Hearing even more of it doesn’t help, it makes things worse.

The amount of medications that I am on is downright scary and what they do to me is even scarier. But I can’t be without them, I tried. The anxiety, the depression, and the headaches are all too much to try and deal with without them.

I won’t even start in on the memory loss or my lack of being able to multi-task/plan anymore. It’s sad what’s happened to me. I used to be able to remember everything and now I’m lucky if I can remember what happened only moments ago. Everything is a struggle to do. I can’t multi-task anymore as I now have a very short attention span. I can’t even begin to explain on infuriating all this is.

I’ve been told to “persevere” in therapy. Persevere? I’m beyond angry right now at everything and I’m supposed to persevere? I've had a banging headache for the last week and I'm supposed to persevere?  All I want is my life the way it was 10 months ago before that drunk driver hit me. How am I supposed to “persevere” when I have no indication as to when I may be able to run again or when these headaches may stop?

I think it’s pretty shitty that nothing will happen to the drunk driver as the douche bag cop that handled the accident that horrible day let him go. Nothing will happen to him. Nothing! He gets to continue living his life injury free as if nothing happened after hitting me with his car after drinking all morning. Yea, that seems pretty fair. I know life isn’t supposed to be fair but WTF? My life has been turned upside down and I have to suffer because of this dirt bag’s actions? He likes to drink at 7 in the morning and drive drunk at noon so I suffer? Got it.

I would also have to say one of the most upsetting parts of this whole experience would be the lack of understanding from friends and family.  You would think that other runners would have some slight understanding that being out of the game for this long would be completely devistating.  Yea, not so much.  I get "that sucks" and they move on.  Really?  Is that how you show compassion for a "friend"?  Wow.  I will say, I've learned a lot about friends and friendships since this accident as well.  I suppose I have my expectations set high when it comes to friends but then again, I think I should.  Who wants shitty friends?  I thought friends checked on one another in times like this?  No?  Not so much.  There are a few close friends that have and some new friends that have become great friends by showing just how much they do care.  Then there are those friends that call you out of the blue, you know when they need something, and are are "surprised" to hear I'm not doing any better since the last time we talked.  Really?  You are surprised?  Well that's because you don't pick up the phone and don't ask.  Nor did anyone take my accident seriously.  Just because I didn't have any broken bones and didn't have any blood spilled doesn't make my accident any less serious people.  This is my brain we are talking about.  I don't think it gets anymore serious than that!

I've been told to not even think about races or running really until the end of the year!! Really?  Another year lost?  When I heard this news I was crushed. I'm at a complete and total loss.

On top of not working out and running, I am now packing on the weight. WTF!!!!!!!!! I know this is partially my fault because I continue to eat the way I did when ran. But being depressed doesn’t help. I don’t have one candy bar, I have several. I don’t have one Laffy Taffy, I have several. It’s out of control. I’m watching myself slip away. It was only 10 months ago I was in the best shape of my life and I PR’d at the marathon by 40+ minutes. Hard to believe right? My life has become a nightmare.

I know it all seems a bit dramatic as I wasn’t killed in the accident and I still have all my limbs but what the damage that was done was severe. It’s crazy how easy we take walking for granted never mind running or biking or working out. It kills me everyday a little more when I see a runner outside running on the roads while I’m in the car. I so badly want to shake them and say “Do you know how lucky you are?” but I can’t because then I would really seem like a crazy lady.

I guess what I am saying is if you are a runner and are able to run be grateful for it. Be a fast or a slow runner, be grateful. There is a chance I may never return to running. There’s a chance these horrible headaches may never go away.

I just don't know when there is no clear "end" to hope for how I can be anything LESS THAN miserable

Friday, August 26, 2011

Just call me Debbie Downer

I hate to be a Debbie Downer but damn it, I'm entitled to it now and then.  It's been over 5 months since the accident and I need to vent.

A quick rundown of what happened for those who don't know.  Five months ago I was out getting lunch with a co-worker when her car was hit by a guy who enjoys one too many alcoholic beverages at noon.  Yes, noon.  Anyway, I suffered whiplash, backache, neckache and most unfortunately a concussion.  This concussion has affected my life in several different ways and has put an end to my life as I previously knew it.  The concussion has too many effects that I won't begin to list them here but just know that I'm not in a good place physically or mentally now.  On top of all this I am also suffering from anxiety, depression and post tramatic stress syndrome due to the accident.  

While I am lucky that I'm alive and that he didn't kill me, I am still beyond upset, depressed, frustrated, and saddened by the results of this accident.  The financial burdens of this accident are becoming overwhelming.  It's totally amazing what has happened to my life as a result of one complete stranger's lack of judgement and what it has caused me.

I'm on day number 19 of headaches.  Oh the joy of extreme blinding head pain and the nauseousness that goes along with it are sometimes just too much to handle.

I'm even to depressed to finish this blog post about how I'm feeling.  I came across a good example of how I'm feeling these days.  Not completely (I'm a bit worse than the blogger I think) but you get the idea.  Morgan over at Caution Redhead Running wrote about The Truth About Being Injured on her blog.  Check it out.

While I completely agreed with it all there is one HUGE horrible difference.  I'm  not sure exactly how she became injured (I think it was running related), my was not.  If only my injury had been self inflicted or running related or hell even my own stupid accident like falling down the stairs it would make all this a bit easier to deal with.  But the fact that someone carelessly took my life as I knew it away from me and has turned it upside down has become to much for me to handle lately.

After reading her post it made me smile a bit.  Not because she suffered too but because someone else felt SOME of the same things I am going through.  But at the same time, it made me sink a bit deeper into my depression.  I can't explain it, I'm just not in a good place.

I'm normally a count down type of person and would typically be bouncing off the walls by now with my trip to Scotland just around the corner but I'm not.  I'm too depressed to be excited.  While missing marathons and ultra marathons this past 5 months has been hard enough, I am obviously missing my next marathon (that I had planned on doing since LAST YEAR!) the Loch Ness Marathon.  It was more than just a marathon to me.  I was going to do the thing I love the most in the country my mum was from.  She passed away 6 years ago and it was going to mean the world to me to go run this marathon in Scotland in her honor.  This stupid drunken driver has taken that away from me along with everything else.

Things I should be excited about that I just can't be at the moment:
Seeing my Scottish family
Loch Ness Marathon (obviously not participating in it so I can't get excited about it)
Going to South Carolina
Seeing a 6th grade best friend that I haven't seen in over 20+ years
Tour de Donut
Halloween Half Marathon in Provo, Utah (obviously not participating in this one either!)
Houston, Texas for the Texas Marathon (yep, you guessed it, not doing it either)
and many other things, I just can't think of them now because it hurts to and my memory just plain sucks these days.

Sorry this has been a sad and depressing blog post.  I just felt the need to get some of it out. 

Thursday, August 25, 2011

On a roll.....literally

I can't stop biking.  I guess it's not a bad thing and there's worse things I could be doing.  Check out my biking in the last two weeks!!!  Just in the last 5 days I have rode 87 miles!

I still miss running but biking is helping.  It is keeping me busy and keeping my mind off of my lack of running.  I've been out riding with anyone who is willing to ride.  I have joined several local groups and am enjoying every ride.

Last night I joined a group of almost 20 for a night ride from Lock 29 to Independence.  We stopped for dinner and then rode complete darkness.  We all had bike lights but it is STILL very dark.  Riding the towpath in the dark has to be one of the freakiest things I have ever done.  On the way back I didn't take my eyes off the lighted path in front of me once (well, I tried not to) and kept my eyes glued to the path and any rider in front of me.  We lead the group on the way back and covered 14 miles in a one hour time period.  We were much faster going back than we were going up.  It was a great group and look forward to doing it again soon.

A picture of my hubby and I after dinner before the ride back.

Sunday I accompanied a running group training for the local marathon on the towpath.  I zipped up and down making sure everyone was ok and managed to get in 11 miles in doing so.  Later my husband and I checked out a section of the towpath we've never been on before and managed to get in another 20 miles.  We started in Manchester at the Vanderhoof trailhead and rode 10 miles south crossing into Clinton and then Canal Fulton.  This ride we started in Summit County and rode into Stark County.  I think it's neat that we are riding in and out of neighboring counties. We rode a few miles past the main section of Canal Fulton and then turned back so we could have a quick break before heading back.  I was STARVING which is completely unusual for me as my appetite has completely disappeared since the accident.  We snacked on chips, hotdogs and homemade lemonade and followed up by a creamy chocolate waffle cone.  Great ride!

Us after finishing our ice cream and just before the ride back.

Monday, I just hadn't had enough so we went to the Bike and Hike trailhead on Route 303 and headed southeast.  Again we started in Summit County and crossed into Portage County.  My bike only has 8 gears which before Monday was completely sufficent but learned quickly that I top out around 23 miles an hour on my bike.  It's very exciting to see how fast I can get going on my bike but at the same time it's also very scary as I don't want to get hurt.  We rode just over 7 miles east into Portage County before turning around.  We didn't set out to get in a 14 mile ride but it just happened.  The weather was perfect so it was hard to cut it short!

A picture of us at the county line.

I have another group ride scheduled tonight and then two more on Saturday.  I don't want this summer to end now that I am biking.

I also tried out a road bike on Sunday which was a big mistake.  While I do love my Felt Cafe 8 bike, it's no road bike.  The one I tried out was also a Felt and was on sale for $580!  It's a shame it wasn't my size otherwise it would be mine (I'm such an impulse shopper!).  I liked the style and the weight of this bike but didn't care for the hunched over feeling you have to get into to ride a road bike.  My upright postion on my Cafe 8 bike is sooooo comfortable so it's going to be hard to make the switch.  We decided that next year we will look into getting road bikes,

Up next is the Tour de Donut.  What's that you ask?  Oh, only the most delicious sugary bike ride in all of Ohio.  As of now there are three of us headed to do this ride and I can't wait.  Thirty glorious miles of country road with two donut stops along the way.  While it really isn't a race, for every donut you eat and keep down (that being the key part) they deduct 5 minutes of your total finish time.  The male record is TWO DOZEN donuts and the female record is ELEVEN donuts.  Back in the day I could have done this especially if they were Krispy Kreme donuts but now that my appetite has changed not so much.  Anyway, we are looking forward to it!

I began practicing for Tour de Donut yesterday ;)

Happy riding!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Filling the void

Now that I'm not running I am looking to fill the big ol' void in my life. Running to me was more than just physical activity. It provided a social life for me as well. I don't see my friends much any more since March since I stopped running. I've seen some here and there but it's just not the same. And it's very hard for me to be around others doing the very activity I can no longer do. So you can't blame me for not wanting to hang around runners 24/7 anymore. I still see some but my life is completely different these days. Very strange.

As I noted in my last post I have taken up biking and I really am enjoying it. It's COMPLETELY different than running. I don't feel like I am working at all while biking. It's such a strange experience. Biking is soooo relaxing and enjoyable. It's only work-like when going up some hills which I have to do very carefully as to not get my blood pressure up. I even get off my bike and walk the hills to be extra carefull on the really large hills.

While I love and enjoy the running community here in Northeast Ohio, I am quickly learning there is a huge biking community here as well. I don't think it's quite a tight knit as the running community but I could be wrong. I don't see the opportunities to volunteer at events and meet other people like there are with running races EVERY weekend. I am making lots of new friends through biking though. It's nice to have a new group of people around me that enjoy biking as much as I do and even more so. I joined a few local biking groups and have made it out to a few group rides.

The weekend of Burning River 100 (that's a whole other post I still need to write up) the hubby and I had signed up to do the Sweet Corn Ride in Richfield. Every year I saw this event advertised and wanted to do it even though I was never a rider before. It just looked like a fun event. After volunteering 15+ hours in the hot 90 degree sun all day Saturday at BR100 helping out runners all day long, we were able to get a few hours of sleep before heading off to the corn ride. We actually thought about skipping it but went because we had paid for our jerseys so we dragged our tired selves out of bed to ride. We initially signed up to do the 25 mile ride but there was no way we were up to it. My legs felt trashed after standing on them the entire day before. We cut our ride down to 13 miles and had a nice ride. I'm convinced this ride is what brought my husband over to the ida of riding.

Coasting down the hills effortlessly was so fun. We were just cruising around in and out of farms and small towns and villages. I need to get better with taking pictures on bike rides as I was with running. After the ride was over we had a nice lunch, enjoyed some live music and picked up our 6 ears of fresh corn that was included (which was absolutely delish!) in our registration and headed home. The picture below is of me as some crazy art store along the bike route in Richfield. Of course it's without the bike (silly me) but it's still a fun pic anyway.  Yes, I am posing with big metal chickens! If you have read this blog you would know what the picture is about.  If you haven't read one of the funniest blog posts ever then you need to check it out.  Absolutely hysterical.

Here are a few other pictures from other group rides.

First night group ride out of Lock 29.

Fourth of July bike ride to Brandywine Falls

Medina Ice Cream 25 Mile Ride July 16th

Begining of a night ride before the bikes and people started falling apart.
Group ride out of Lock 29 across one of the boardwalks.

And yes, I rock a skirt even while biking!  At least I found another use for all the running clothes :)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Life without running

Well we are going on close to 5 months since the accident and am STILL not running!!!!!  I think I am going to lose it.  Doesn't look as if I will be running anytime soon either. 

So far I've missed the following races

Black Squirrel 5k
Toledo Marathon
Pittsburgh Marathon
Buckeye Trail 50k

plus several others that I couldn't even sign up for :(

AND NOW it seems as though I will be missing out on my Scottish marathon, The Loch Ness Marathon!!! 

I am totally heartbroken.  Traveling all those miles, spent all that money and for what???  Nothing! 

To fill the void I have taken to a new hobby.  Biking.  Nothing extreme just simple laid back bike riding.  This is my new bike.  I've decided to name her Penelope, Penny for short.  So far so good.  I enjoy it because it's relaxed and it doesn't seem like work.  The type of biking I am doing is low key so no chance to hinder my recovery.  It's just something to keep my legs moving and get me out of the house.

I've also just received my free pair of Heely's and can't wait to try them out. Review to come shortly.

Since the accident I have also decided to return back to school. I've already finished one summer class (Media, Power & Culture) which I received an A for and am on my last week of a graphic design class. I was really nervous about the graphic design class at first but feel comfortable enough I can BS my way through the programs now and compose a design that I'm looking for. Final exam for that class is this week!

That's all for now.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Long overdue update

It's been a while since I last blogged but since the accident life has been kind of dull and drab.  I've missed two marathons and this weekend's BT50k.  :(

Still not running so life hasn't been the same.  This accident has really messed up my whole lifestyle.

Trying to stay somewhat active but the injuries make it hard.  I have to keep my activities on a low impact level.

I was just picked to try out Heelys!!  This should be interesting!!  Ha, I haven't skated in a long time.  Good thing I have a helmet!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Sony Giveaway Winners Announced!

There were 34 entries in my recent giveaway. There were two winners selected at random to receive one of the two Sony Walkman MP3 Players. chose ……..

Winner #1
And Winner #2

Congratulations to VASMA63 and H.  Please email me at  (50kfootnotes at gmail dot com) with your name, email and mailing address.

Just in case you want one of these units and don't win one in the contest below I've got you covered.  This all-in-one unit normally retails for $60.00 but if you use this discount link you can get it for $48.99! 

[If you would like YOUR product or website featured on Fifty K's Footnotes please email me at (50kfootnotes at gmail dot com)

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